Holy Cow

So I'm sitting in my living room/kitchen area, finishing my dinner and listening to some newly purchased music (namely, Jason Castro's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, haha), and I just realized-- after I leave this place in August, I am probably NEVER going to see Takaoka again. !!! This struck me as incredibly sad, and I started crying right then and there. Up to this point in my life, I've always said goodbye to people and places with the probability of seeing said people and places again softening the blow. But this? Leaving Japan? Ok, maybe I'll come back to Japan on a vacation someday, to travel to places I never got to this time around. But I'll never see the inside of my apartment again. MY apartment, my very first that I made into my little home! Even if I were to see it, it wouldn't be mine anymore. It will belong to whomever follows after me, and it will be decorated in their taste and cluttered with their belongings. And really, not seeing my apartment again is the least of it. I'll never ride my red bicycle to the grocery store again, or to Aeon, or to the station to take the train to Toyama or Himi or wherever. I'll never again pass by Hard Off, with their awful MIDI-type welcome music blaring at the door. I'll never hear a hearty "Irasshaimase!" when I enter a store. I'll never see these rice paddies again, and hear the croaking frogs and chirping crickets at night as I coast down the deserted highway to my apartment late at night. And, worst of all, far above and beyond the loss I feel when I think about all the things I just listed and others like them, is the loss I will feel when I say goodbye to my schools for the last time. I really just don't even want to think about it. Everyone has been so incredibly kind to me, and I feel like I've finally just really become comfortable with my students, and they with me-- both on an educational level, and a personal level. I get incredibly jealous thinking about my successor, who will spend the next year (or more) teaching MY kids, and going to MY school festival, and even grading MY piles of awful, awful essays. Will he or she appreciate it like I do? Will he or she try as hard, really make a solid effort for the kids? I shouldn't judge this person before I even know who he is. But I can't help it! They are taking over my life, and my life will become theirs, and it will no longer be mine in any way, shape or form. Everything here will go on in the same way, except without me in it. Isn't that crazy? I guess that's true of any place when someone leaves it-- high school, college, etc. But like I said before, I can visit my high school and college pretty much any time I choose to, providing I have the means and time. But coming back to Takaoka? Pretty soon this place will live only in my memory, and I can only hope I've made enough of an impression to remain in my kids' memories. Anyway. The whole thing's incredibly bizarre, and I think it's only going to get weirder and sadder from this point out. No. That's a pessimistic way to look at it. Of course it's going to be amazing for these last two months; I wouldn't expect any less. But that final day, when I get on that plane with a one-way ticket and no return in sight... THAT will be sad. And weird. I guess I should just focus on the positive-- that I got to have this amazing year here, full of adventures and wonderful people and invaluable personal growth. So, yes. Let's focus on the positive. Starting now. Sigh.